things i want to tell you but don’t

The other day at the beach I stopped and laid next to a dead jellyfish. I guess it could have still been alive, I don’t know. You would’ve known.

Anyways its tentacles were weighed down by the wet sand and it looked so sad and terrible out there where it wasn’t supposed to be and so maybe I felt bad for it or maybe I just got so tired again and had to lay there with it, where I think I guess I must have stayed for at least an hour or so, until it got dark and the sun went down.
Another thing is that I’ve never liked watching sunsets and it’s not like I don’t get why you do it’s just that the fading of everything is less beautiful than it is something else terrible for me and alright fine I get bored. 

The other day I saw my dad crying out on the patio and I didn’t know what to do and I thought that maybe you would and I went up to the glass door and kind of reached my hand out without thinking about it, kind of hoping something better than me would take over, like maybe you would somehow occupy my body again and we’d know what to do. I had never seen my dad cry before, this is something I told you once. He was at the wood table which was rotting and falling apart and added to the whole scene of everything and of course made it worse as extra things in bad scenes always do no matter how objectively okay they are. He had this little tower of rocks that had fallen over and that had made it worse too because my dad always took great care to make sure his towers stayed up. He was holding one of the smaller round grey ones, which I knew was one of his favorite rocks and which, of course, made it worse too.

My dad collected rocks from the beach and kept them in huge plastic tubs in the garage; this is something I told you once.

I stood there with my hand on the glass for what felt like a long time, until I got too worried he’d see me and think I was frozen which I kind of was just waiting for you to come. It was so sad, seeing him cry. It was even sadder, seeing him cry and waiting for you to come. 

The lights in my house always flicker at the same time, 7:38 pm, and I’ve convinced myself it’s a sign of something and have decided it’s a sign to go outside and howl at the moon like you always told me to do, which I know you’d laugh at and so I wanted to tell you. You’d also laugh even harder because this time of year the moon isn’t even out at 7:38 pm and I just howl at nothing. 

I’ve gotten a lot quieter, I never used to mumble and now everybody always asks me “What?” after I say something. I have this fear that one day nobody will be able to hear me at all the first time I say anything and that maybe I won’t have the will to say it again. It’s very frustrating for me but I suppose it’s my fault.

I wish it were yours, this is something I’ve wanted to tell you. 

There’s one hibiscus flower on a bush right outside the grocery store near my house and I swear it’s the same one every day and it never dies and it looks so strange all by itself next to the curb and the debris on the ground and all that. I always want to take it home but I know this would be wrong and it would feel awful so instead I stare at it for a while and find new flaws. It has a brown spot in the corner which is probably the worst one of the flaws. It’s white so the spot really stands out. I don’t know how it hasn’t died yet. This is something you would know.